The search for me

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" At different ages, we derive a different level of deliberation.

1st level (superficial) - job occupations such as doctor, teacher, chef, musician, builder, etc.
2nd level (conscious of self)- i want to be a master in ... i want to be the best ... in the world
3rd level (conscious of society) - i want to be able to save lives, improve the lives of people in developing countries, share my knowledge of food, make the world a safer place, etc.

When I had to decide which university course to apply for, the advice from adults were either to choose what you are good at or what you like. Another way was to look at the salaries of various occupations and decide which would be a desirable way to spend 40 to 50 years of your life. Did I really have a choice then? 

The fact that I was born in Singapore meant that I had access to a good education and life choices. However, if I was born somewhere else without access to education, I would probably be destined to work in less fortunate conditions by circumstances. Even within Singapore, being born into the top 10% rich families would mean more choices available as compared with the bottom 10% poor families. Were we destined with a life and career selection that was already decided at the point we were born?

Do I have an identity beyond the superficial name, the family I belong to, the country I grew up in? Do I have a past life? What defines me? What influences my preferences? Do I really create or am I merely awakening knowledge that I already have but am not conscious about?

The awakening moment happened when everything seemed to make sense. I have an earth identity, an earth name, Rockria. I had a recent past, as a war-time nurse in Singapore, but I don't know my previous life's name or birth dates or anything else to verify history records. I had 10 past lives with the same husband and this life will be a different husband. I don't know why or how I know, but I know that my past lives are memories that are in my brain that might get awakened, but even if I am not conscious of these memories' existence, these memories subconsciously influence the preferences I have in this life time. Knowing these past memories are living within me has helped me to be more aware of who I am.

Am I really in control of my choices? The education system churns out students to fulfill various job roles required in the society. The students are merely choosing among a finite set of options. Opportunities seem to be mostly based on luck if you don't have the rich head start from birth. If I did not do well in english, I probably will not be able to study law, but maybe with a detour, additional english classes and all, I might become a lawyer at 40 years old instead of 22 years old (mainstream age).

Why then do I have to work to earn money to pay bills? If everything had been planned, and it has been planned that I do not need to work then perhaps I would have a money pot somewhere. Why does everyone need to go through living a life with both sadness and happiness? Why do we have to live? 

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